Ever hear the one that goes "life is what happens when you're making other plans"? I think that's about the size of it.
In any case, I am supposedly graduated from college and have decided that graduate school is not the right direction for me at the moment. I'm full of uncertainties. Not sure what I would study, where I would go, how it would affect my nicely stable relationship, how I'd pay for it... so I'm working on getting a job and finishing the moving-in process at a new apartment.
Before all this I had a lovely week with my family doing the whole Christmas bit, and this time Mom was more understanding and just let my sister and I each bring a book to read during the long Christmas eve service; the which they made us go to under the guise of us doing them the favor of attending for politeness' sake. No thanks, still not Christian.
Seeing my extended family--both sides even!--was wonderful, as some of them I haven't seen for years. Sitting together and just being with them was enough to make me feel connected, a wonderful sense of belonging and togetherness.
Which reminds me: I still need to call my aunt and get together for lunch or something next week. It turns out that my friend's apartment which I recently moved into is just blocks away from my aunt! I've always like my Aunt K. She's independent, opinionated, and generous (to me anyway; she was my godmother after all) and I have fond memories of the little family vacations we took up to the Cities to go visit her. Going to the huge Science Museum, eating at restaurants serving food from faraway countries, seeing art museums and spending all day out in a huge park... we always had fun with my aunt. I'm glad to live so near someone in my family, especially since we've been rather distant lately.
Being a graduate is strange--I guess I'm not sure what life without classes would really be like. Really, you spend most of your life in school and then BAM. Whole new world.
In theory I was really looking forward to not having homework, but looking for a job is a job in and of itself! I hadn't thought that I'd have to write a new resume for every kind of job I apply for (not that I mind writing that much, just how long it takes because I get so picky), though it makes sense to tailor how I present myself to each company I want to impress. Plus, I've never had to write a resume for a customer service position before, and it's very different from the mostly science-y one I've been crafting for on-campus lab positions. The difficult part is tearing myself away from video games and fun with friends to sit down and do it :P
I guess I've also gotten lazy with anything resembling regular spiritual practice. Moving into a new apartment with not quite enough shelving to store all my crap means I haven't gotten a new altar set up yet, and I think I want to do something different than just the top of the dresser again. Having a whole new room to decorate as I please means I could do all kinds of things, like having little mini-shrines in different locations... ooh. Who knew writing about how I don't know what to do gives me ideas! ^^ though lacking a job means lacking funds to acquire said furniture/shelving/what have you. I guess I'll have to hurry up and get hired somewhere then.
In the meantime, I'll try again for regular meditation. No special materials required, and it's still something I haven't been able to do for more than a few months at most at a time.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
studying overmuch
Some hallmarks of the wise one are books--and yet, if not literate, the gift of speech with strangers and animals. One can readily imagine an old man, long of beard and grey, with a lifetime's knowledge in that grizzled head, hunched over a book by candlelight, worn fingers slowly turning the fragile pages as he sips at a mug of hot tea, wisdom and words from days long past ready to be deciphered and renewed in thought.
Knowing. A combination of experience and intuition and slow, deliberate reasoning which can shed light on even a strange problem or idea, where it may have come from and how it came to be and what to do for any desired outcome.
Yet wisdom is not only for the old, for books on dusty shelves. There is the knowing that comes with doing, when your muscle memory takes over and your body uses its own wisdom to act when thought itself is too slow. There is that subtle communication that arises from seeing one's head turn just so (for were this not so, dance would have very little meaning indeed), or a creature move slowly or quickly, that little hitch in liquid birdsong that means danger approaches, flee! woods-wisdom, wild-knowing, that knowing without knowing. This too is wisdom.
Just as hours of deliberate thought and debate mark a man as learned, so an animal or man that can feel the change in weather knows what is to come, and survives.
Instinct is its own subtle voice.
Knowing. A combination of experience and intuition and slow, deliberate reasoning which can shed light on even a strange problem or idea, where it may have come from and how it came to be and what to do for any desired outcome.
Yet wisdom is not only for the old, for books on dusty shelves. There is the knowing that comes with doing, when your muscle memory takes over and your body uses its own wisdom to act when thought itself is too slow. There is that subtle communication that arises from seeing one's head turn just so (for were this not so, dance would have very little meaning indeed), or a creature move slowly or quickly, that little hitch in liquid birdsong that means danger approaches, flee! woods-wisdom, wild-knowing, that knowing without knowing. This too is wisdom.
Just as hours of deliberate thought and debate mark a man as learned, so an animal or man that can feel the change in weather knows what is to come, and survives.
Instinct is its own subtle voice.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
frozen.
I'm just glad I was able to put my car in the garage at my boyfriend's place before the big storm hit. We stayed inside all through the day, and took turns digging out the long driveway and some sidewalk.
What really touched me is the roving band armed with shovels who wandered up and down the street, helping their neighbors dig out cars and enough room in blocked driveways to get said cars off the street. People may joke about Minnesota Nice, but you don't survive long up here as a grouch. It's far nicer and easier to be polite and friendly when others need a hand and it's obvious you can help.
The next day, boy and I were walking to the bus stop and a couple with a baby in back were trying to get their little VW car out of a driveway. With the back wheels spinning in the snow, I called over to S., "Hey, we can help. Come back here!" Didn't take long to get them out and going. One, two, three, and push! I counted with my fingers as the lady looked out the back to see what we were up to--a push, car rocked back with enough momentum, and another push and gone! waving happily and on their way.
Snow aside, there are things more predictable than winter weather to worry for; a student in her last days of undergraduate education will soon be living in the library. Oh yes, ladies and germs--finals are here.
The good news is, I have one short paper to hand in for my career planning class tomorrow and that will be done. The rest is far less simple: a make-up exam *and* the final for Hydrology this week and then all my Biometeorology (dreaded stuff) is due next week. Cram cram cram.
(Say what you will, but there's nothing like a few days' frenzied studying to prepare for a big test. I will soon be spending all my remaining cash on coffee.)
Added to this is, of course, the job search. My time at the bee lab turned out to be shorter than I'd anticipated and now what little plans I had are all fumbly and trying to stay upright on an icy sidewalk. Hopefully I won't have to move back into my parent's house. They mean well, but I have too much up here to want to leave for an untold amount of time. All my job prospects so far are up here anyway...
I've learned that two feet of snow falling in one day can even take out the Metrodome.
I've learned that I cannot work well with someone who is so very, very type A and controlling that I feel like I can't so much as sneeze without reporting back about it.
I've learned that going down South for two holiday vacations in a row has messed with my expectations... next year we go again.
I've learned that maybe I can look forward to spring; mud and melting and messy changes aren't just a hassle, but signs of better times to come.
I've learned that for some reason, I really don't like writing cover letters.
~shrug~
What really touched me is the roving band armed with shovels who wandered up and down the street, helping their neighbors dig out cars and enough room in blocked driveways to get said cars off the street. People may joke about Minnesota Nice, but you don't survive long up here as a grouch. It's far nicer and easier to be polite and friendly when others need a hand and it's obvious you can help.
The next day, boy and I were walking to the bus stop and a couple with a baby in back were trying to get their little VW car out of a driveway. With the back wheels spinning in the snow, I called over to S., "Hey, we can help. Come back here!" Didn't take long to get them out and going. One, two, three, and push! I counted with my fingers as the lady looked out the back to see what we were up to--a push, car rocked back with enough momentum, and another push and gone! waving happily and on their way.
Snow aside, there are things more predictable than winter weather to worry for; a student in her last days of undergraduate education will soon be living in the library. Oh yes, ladies and germs--finals are here.
The good news is, I have one short paper to hand in for my career planning class tomorrow and that will be done. The rest is far less simple: a make-up exam *and* the final for Hydrology this week and then all my Biometeorology (dreaded stuff) is due next week. Cram cram cram.
(Say what you will, but there's nothing like a few days' frenzied studying to prepare for a big test. I will soon be spending all my remaining cash on coffee.)
Added to this is, of course, the job search. My time at the bee lab turned out to be shorter than I'd anticipated and now what little plans I had are all fumbly and trying to stay upright on an icy sidewalk. Hopefully I won't have to move back into my parent's house. They mean well, but I have too much up here to want to leave for an untold amount of time. All my job prospects so far are up here anyway...
I've learned that two feet of snow falling in one day can even take out the Metrodome.
I've learned that I cannot work well with someone who is so very, very type A and controlling that I feel like I can't so much as sneeze without reporting back about it.
I've learned that going down South for two holiday vacations in a row has messed with my expectations... next year we go again.
I've learned that maybe I can look forward to spring; mud and melting and messy changes aren't just a hassle, but signs of better times to come.
I've learned that for some reason, I really don't like writing cover letters.
~shrug~
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Cleaning up
Well, I've revisited the blog template, and I hope this is easier on the eyes. Much as I liked the dark transparent background, it was a little hard to see things sometimes. Also, new banner! ^^ I just hopped over to WikiCommons and found a nice photo to tweak a bit and share with you all. Let me know what you think of the new look.
Speaking of new things, there's nothing quite like sleeping on fresh bedsheets in a nicely made bed. I may be very casual about where things go around here, but I do like the blankets to be straight and the pillows fluffed and nice clean everything when I sleep.
Speaking of new things, there's nothing quite like sleeping on fresh bedsheets in a nicely made bed. I may be very casual about where things go around here, but I do like the blankets to be straight and the pillows fluffed and nice clean everything when I sleep.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
New mythology
Well, I'm not making much progress at the moment on the book I originally thought would be good material for a book review. For one, it's not particularly well-written, which makes reading a bit of a chore, and for another, it's the end of the semester. My biometeorology class is especially taxing; if I hadn't skipped so many hydrology classes to work on the labs for biomet., I'd be doing much better. As it is, I'm stuck playing catch-up for all my courses, which although doable is *not* my idea of a good time.
Anyway.
Despite all this, I'm still reading and looking to expand my knowledge about everything Pagan. Somehow I got introduced (very briefly, in passing almost) to Finnish Paganism--now I am reading the Kalevala. Huzzah for Wikisources having the first translation to English available to the public! If I'm really ambitious, I hope to read some more English translations after I read through the whole thing so I can get a better sense of what the Finnish really means, seeing as I don't know Finnish and any translation is bound to miss some aspect of meaning, no matter how slight.
Another path that I've read but little about is the Dianic approach to Wicca. There is an inner voice that says, "yeah, but... focusing on a matriarchy isn't going to fix whatever problems arose from this 'patriarchy' you vilify so much. We have to work *together* on this." On the other hand, I can see how it's perfectly right to point out the many hypocrisies that exist in out society and do everything you can to fight for equality. And if your personal path calls for some girl-only (or even, gasp, guy-only!) spirit-work, then by all means do it. But I digress--a discourse on modern feminism can be saved for another post.
So far the book is definitely written with an agenda in mind, and it's funny how it made it through so many printings with the same spell repeated three times...
well, writing a critique should definitely be interesting. If I can manage to write one for each book, that should cover some requirements for the DP, which I really want to get working on once I'm done with college. Finally, free time to write papers on things I'm actually interested in! :D
Anyway.
Despite all this, I'm still reading and looking to expand my knowledge about everything Pagan. Somehow I got introduced (very briefly, in passing almost) to Finnish Paganism--now I am reading the Kalevala. Huzzah for Wikisources having the first translation to English available to the public! If I'm really ambitious, I hope to read some more English translations after I read through the whole thing so I can get a better sense of what the Finnish really means, seeing as I don't know Finnish and any translation is bound to miss some aspect of meaning, no matter how slight.
Another path that I've read but little about is the Dianic approach to Wicca. There is an inner voice that says, "yeah, but... focusing on a matriarchy isn't going to fix whatever problems arose from this 'patriarchy' you vilify so much. We have to work *together* on this." On the other hand, I can see how it's perfectly right to point out the many hypocrisies that exist in out society and do everything you can to fight for equality. And if your personal path calls for some girl-only (or even, gasp, guy-only!) spirit-work, then by all means do it. But I digress--a discourse on modern feminism can be saved for another post.
So far the book is definitely written with an agenda in mind, and it's funny how it made it through so many printings with the same spell repeated three times...
well, writing a critique should definitely be interesting. If I can manage to write one for each book, that should cover some requirements for the DP, which I really want to get working on once I'm done with college. Finally, free time to write papers on things I'm actually interested in! :D
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Priorities
I never could get the hang of Tuesdays.
It's almost Thanksgiving, so I have a short week of classes and work, meaning that this time I would *not* skip out on Hydrology in favor of trying to get other things done, as has been the case so often this semester. (I'm looking at you, Biometeorology labs!)
For some reason, my boy and I woke up stupidly early and couldn't get back to sleep. There was also a radio playing somewhere in the house at that exact level where I could hear the song just enough to pay attention to it and stay awake. Unwillingly. So I woke up boy, we did something else for a while and then fell back into blessed slumber.
I was sure that catching the bus wouldn't be a problem. It generally isn't when the highway is so close and there are loads of buses going downtown.
Someone had something else in mind for me today.
Between two missed express buses (with much cursing) and a mechanical failure of the bus I did catch, I ended up walking towards the final bus stop on the way home with a blond lady who wore a light blue coat and a fluffy knitted pink hat. We ended up at the same bus stop, checked the time, and headed in to the local cafe for coffee to wait for the next one since this particular route runs every half-hour.
I tried a latte with flavored with white chocolate and almond today--I usually go for dark chocolate and roasty, caramely flavors. I think it suited today well.
R. and I ended up chatting once the bus finally came--she's a grad student at the U, working with bacteria that make oils and ester waxes, with a potential for biodiesel too. It sounds really interesting and seems to suit her biology and genetics background well.
What really got me was the rest of her story and how willing she seemed to help me out. I suppose we both go to the U, and are interested in somewhat similar things. She's even familiar with the professor who taught the Bioremediation class I took a year ago. The best part is the advice she gave: that even though my parents are pushing that I go to grad school, it's best now to figure out what I really want to do and do it. If going to grad school will make me happy and I have a burning desire to learn more about a certain field, that's the time to apply and get in. R. spent a few years working after getting her master's, and even then she waited tables after graduation. Once she figured out what she wanted to do, it was back to grad school and now she's happy to be back on campus.
It was really great to hear things from a new perspective. I admit I'm not entirely sure what to do after my current job runs out (ideas about teaching English in Japan become more and more enticing) and I know that I've been burning out as far as academics for the last year, easy.
R. also mentioned that she wished she had had someone to be a mentor when she was fresh out of her undergrad experience. I'm glad she feels the need to give back to someone who needs it. I must be sure to do the same for someone else down the road. Gifts like this don't come lightly.
So that's how I met a new friend today.
I walked home grinning. I thanked Whoever was/is watching out for me today, thought back to my earlier frustration at the first bus stop on the highway and said, "Fine, I'll shut up now!"
It's almost Thanksgiving, so I have a short week of classes and work, meaning that this time I would *not* skip out on Hydrology in favor of trying to get other things done, as has been the case so often this semester. (I'm looking at you, Biometeorology labs!)
For some reason, my boy and I woke up stupidly early and couldn't get back to sleep. There was also a radio playing somewhere in the house at that exact level where I could hear the song just enough to pay attention to it and stay awake. Unwillingly. So I woke up boy, we did something else for a while and then fell back into blessed slumber.
I was sure that catching the bus wouldn't be a problem. It generally isn't when the highway is so close and there are loads of buses going downtown.
Someone had something else in mind for me today.
Between two missed express buses (with much cursing) and a mechanical failure of the bus I did catch, I ended up walking towards the final bus stop on the way home with a blond lady who wore a light blue coat and a fluffy knitted pink hat. We ended up at the same bus stop, checked the time, and headed in to the local cafe for coffee to wait for the next one since this particular route runs every half-hour.
I tried a latte with flavored with white chocolate and almond today--I usually go for dark chocolate and roasty, caramely flavors. I think it suited today well.
R. and I ended up chatting once the bus finally came--she's a grad student at the U, working with bacteria that make oils and ester waxes, with a potential for biodiesel too. It sounds really interesting and seems to suit her biology and genetics background well.
What really got me was the rest of her story and how willing she seemed to help me out. I suppose we both go to the U, and are interested in somewhat similar things. She's even familiar with the professor who taught the Bioremediation class I took a year ago. The best part is the advice she gave: that even though my parents are pushing that I go to grad school, it's best now to figure out what I really want to do and do it. If going to grad school will make me happy and I have a burning desire to learn more about a certain field, that's the time to apply and get in. R. spent a few years working after getting her master's, and even then she waited tables after graduation. Once she figured out what she wanted to do, it was back to grad school and now she's happy to be back on campus.
It was really great to hear things from a new perspective. I admit I'm not entirely sure what to do after my current job runs out (ideas about teaching English in Japan become more and more enticing) and I know that I've been burning out as far as academics for the last year, easy.
R. also mentioned that she wished she had had someone to be a mentor when she was fresh out of her undergrad experience. I'm glad she feels the need to give back to someone who needs it. I must be sure to do the same for someone else down the road. Gifts like this don't come lightly.
So that's how I met a new friend today.
I walked home grinning. I thanked Whoever was/is watching out for me today, thought back to my earlier frustration at the first bus stop on the highway and said, "Fine, I'll shut up now!"
Monday, November 8, 2010
May I never lose my sense of wonder.
I think this is why I am Pagan.
If there's a way to blend Peter Pan
and Redwall
and wandering in that little stretch of pine woods out by the elementary school
and pretending I'm really a Native American with a real bow
and learning how to pet a cat nicely and feel her purr
and see the colors of sunset making everything glow and look new
seeing the Milky Way stretch out above you and feel that awe-full sense of perspective
curling up on a cold night, grateful for a hot dinner and plenty of blankets to keep the warmth in
seeing a flat expanse of snow under gray skies and trying so hard to remember midsummer's heat sinking into your bones and how fiercely green the world is then
knowing that someday, your matter--molecules and atoms--will be lost and recombined into something else. Some part of me was once a velociraptor.
I think this is why I am Pagan.
If there's a way to blend Peter Pan
and Redwall
and wandering in that little stretch of pine woods out by the elementary school
and pretending I'm really a Native American with a real bow
and learning how to pet a cat nicely and feel her purr
and see the colors of sunset making everything glow and look new
seeing the Milky Way stretch out above you and feel that awe-full sense of perspective
curling up on a cold night, grateful for a hot dinner and plenty of blankets to keep the warmth in
seeing a flat expanse of snow under gray skies and trying so hard to remember midsummer's heat sinking into your bones and how fiercely green the world is then
knowing that someday, your matter--molecules and atoms--will be lost and recombined into something else. Some part of me was once a velociraptor.
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