Sunday, January 30, 2011

locked in a cage of my own making

I think all this big-city living is taking its toll.

Like my last post indicated, I'm at somewhat of a lull in life. Well, looking for a job is busy work enough, but after a young lifetime that centers around school and having been provided this structure, I'm floating a bit, getting used to life outside of this system.

Imbolc is a strange time of year. I mean, spring in general is just weird, what with the melting and refreezing and the mud and struggling for a hint of sunshine, but February is always a drag. Bright, and still ice cold and burning all at once. Yet this year I look forward to the holiday, for it means seeing my Protogrove again. It means getting out of a landscape dominated by buildings and car exhaust and roadside trees struggling to live ten years; my spiritual side needs resuscitation. Combined with *finally* having my room at my new apartment cleaned up and furnished enough to live in (and I moved in at the beginning of the month--ugh), things may hopefully settle into some kind of order.

I need to be outside more. Love him though I do I find it unfortunate that my boyfriend doesn't much care for outdoors activities, so that really hampers my ability to get away into the country or woods. Closest I get nowadays is when my Protogrove meets for a holiday, and even then it's inside during the cold months. I haven't been to the local foam-fighting practice these past few Sundays and I really wanted to today, but the guy who organizes them is out of town for the weekend.

sometimes I think I should just head out to some lonely place by a river with only a knife and some clothes and live that way for a summer. Forget this life dominated by bright screens and doors with locks, I need the sun.

though if I could, I'd bring my recorder. A little music would be nice, and I could practice all I'd like with no one to complain about the noise. I'd sing more too.

Friday, January 7, 2011

life on hold?

Ever hear the one that goes "life is what happens when you're making other plans"? I think that's about the size of it.

In any case, I am supposedly graduated from college and have decided that graduate school is not the right direction for me at the moment. I'm full of uncertainties. Not sure what I would study, where I would go, how it would affect my nicely stable relationship, how I'd pay for it... so I'm working on getting a job and finishing the moving-in process at a new apartment.

Before all this I had a lovely week with my family doing the whole Christmas bit, and this time Mom was more understanding and just let my sister and I each bring a book to read during the long Christmas eve service; the which they made us go to under the guise of us doing them the favor of attending for politeness' sake. No thanks, still not Christian.
Seeing my extended family--both sides even!--was wonderful, as some of them I haven't seen for years. Sitting together and just being with them was enough to make me feel connected, a wonderful sense of belonging and togetherness.

Which reminds me: I still need to call my aunt and get together for lunch or something next week. It turns out that my friend's apartment which I recently moved into is just blocks away from my aunt! I've always like my Aunt K. She's independent, opinionated, and generous (to me anyway; she was my godmother after all) and I have fond memories of the little family vacations we took up to the Cities to go visit her. Going to the huge Science Museum, eating at restaurants serving food from faraway countries, seeing art museums and spending all day out in a huge park... we always had fun with my aunt. I'm glad to live so near someone in my family, especially since we've been rather distant lately.

Being a graduate is strange--I guess I'm not sure what life without classes would really be like. Really, you spend most of your life in school and then BAM. Whole new world.
In theory I was really looking forward to not having homework, but looking for a job is a job in and of itself! I hadn't thought that I'd have to write a new resume for every kind of job I apply for (not that I mind writing that much, just how long it takes because I get so picky), though it makes sense to tailor how I present myself to each company I want to impress. Plus, I've never had to write a resume for a customer service position before, and it's very different from the mostly science-y one I've been crafting for on-campus lab positions. The difficult part is tearing myself away from video games and fun with friends to sit down and do it :P

I guess I've also gotten lazy with anything resembling regular spiritual practice. Moving into a new apartment with not quite enough shelving to store all my crap means I haven't gotten a new altar set up yet, and I think I want to do something different than just the top of the dresser again. Having a whole new room to decorate as I please means I could do all kinds of things, like having little mini-shrines in different locations... ooh. Who knew writing about how I don't know what to do gives me ideas! ^^ though lacking a job means lacking funds to acquire said furniture/shelving/what have you. I guess I'll have to hurry up and get hired somewhere then.

In the meantime, I'll try again for regular meditation. No special materials required, and it's still something I haven't been able to do for more than a few months at most at a time.