Sunday, January 30, 2011

locked in a cage of my own making

I think all this big-city living is taking its toll.

Like my last post indicated, I'm at somewhat of a lull in life. Well, looking for a job is busy work enough, but after a young lifetime that centers around school and having been provided this structure, I'm floating a bit, getting used to life outside of this system.

Imbolc is a strange time of year. I mean, spring in general is just weird, what with the melting and refreezing and the mud and struggling for a hint of sunshine, but February is always a drag. Bright, and still ice cold and burning all at once. Yet this year I look forward to the holiday, for it means seeing my Protogrove again. It means getting out of a landscape dominated by buildings and car exhaust and roadside trees struggling to live ten years; my spiritual side needs resuscitation. Combined with *finally* having my room at my new apartment cleaned up and furnished enough to live in (and I moved in at the beginning of the month--ugh), things may hopefully settle into some kind of order.

I need to be outside more. Love him though I do I find it unfortunate that my boyfriend doesn't much care for outdoors activities, so that really hampers my ability to get away into the country or woods. Closest I get nowadays is when my Protogrove meets for a holiday, and even then it's inside during the cold months. I haven't been to the local foam-fighting practice these past few Sundays and I really wanted to today, but the guy who organizes them is out of town for the weekend.

sometimes I think I should just head out to some lonely place by a river with only a knife and some clothes and live that way for a summer. Forget this life dominated by bright screens and doors with locks, I need the sun.

though if I could, I'd bring my recorder. A little music would be nice, and I could practice all I'd like with no one to complain about the noise. I'd sing more too.

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