Tuesday, April 27, 2010

getting a bigger view of things

there's so much I should be doing.

I should be studying harder for finals. I should be working on my GIS projects and my hydrology paper. I should be meditating, and working on getting that into a daily practice. I should be jogging more often. I should be working harder to find a summer job. I should be spending more time with my pets. I should be spending more time with those few friends I seem to have nowadays. I should be switching into "responsible go-to person" mode.

all the "shoulds" rear their heads, and all I want to do is run away.
All my life, a part of me has felt that I don't need to be locked into human society and all the things I ought to do--I can just pack a few essential things and go live in the woods, wild and content.

Rather than having abstract problems like homework, finances, other people, or what to wear today to worry about, I'd spend all day tracking a deer with a crude bow or simple spear. It wouldn't matter what day it was--today is gathering day, cooking day, resting day, making clothes day. Preparing for winter would be work enough.

and yet.

Is it selfish to wish for such things? Wouldn't I run into other people eventually? Wouldn't I get lonely, need help, go nuts and hear voices in my head?
is it weakness to want escape? I am not brave, though I've dreamed plenty of being the hero, of coming to the rescue and saving the day.
i'm just lazy then. want all the rewards with little to no work.

I kind of feel like scum.
(this is not a revelation; only a reminder that comes to me sometimes and reminds me that all I do is dream.)

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