Normally it takes me forever to get used to the bright long days and painfully slow warming that comes with Spring--this year, I was hoping August would never end. though with the warm, sunny weather lately, you'd think we were stuck in mid-September for weeks despite the leaves changing...
In any case, I think I've finally gotten over the fact that it's fall now. I'm an autumn baby, so normally the changing leaves and cooling weather feel like coming home to me. Not this year. I had a little hint of what the Wild Hunt feels like some days back, but it was brief. I guess it's just been too damn *nice* out to get into the whole doom-and-gloom mien that goes with Halloween and Samhain.
Part of me suspects this has something to do with how I really don't respect Odin all that much, though it may well be a grudge held over from my Christian upbringing; there I go overanalyzing things again. (But I don't, really. I mean, he figures very prominently in the Eddas, he's supposed to be all-wise but he's still a warmonger... I guess I should bite the bullet and just get to know Him, huh? Then at least my little bitch-list will have some backing with experience and not just book-learning.)
anyway.
I run around a lot, despite *still* not having a job. My boyfriend and I split the time between each others' places, and Wednesday is kind of my stay-at-home day, which Genki definitely appreciates. I feel really drained when I don't get enough time here, even though I haven't connected here as well as I did at my last apartment. It's still my place after all. It has my pets and my things and my bed and it's where I've set up my altar. (I am starting to feel more comfortable being Pagan in my guy's Jewish house--you can tell if you know how to look for it--but that's another post altogether.) So it's a day like this, where I'm procrastinating as usual on the homework due tomorrow, baking potatoes in the oven and enjoying the weather through open windows as I rearrange my blog layout again and finally feel like there's something worth writing about.
Golden sunlight reflecting back the gold and red of changing leaves, sunlight not sticking around as long as it used to a month ago, along with a feeling of real calm has I think helped it sink in.
sunlight.
Part of me wants to go back two or three months and find somewhere utterly private where I can soak up as much sunshine as my body can take, feel that heat all the way down in my bones soaking in and storing it up for the cold days. You know when the trees are in full leaf, and everything's so strongly green you can smell it? Goldenrod is just starting to bloom; the spring flowers are long gone, and coneflowers haven't yet faded into seedheads and become the local wildbird buffet. It's then that all the green ones are at the very height of their power.
Maybe aligning myself with the Vanir has brought be closer to the green world this way. Subtle changes in power, the waxing and waning of my soul (for lack of a better word) is now tied with leaf-spring and sunshine and rain and that incessant vitality of a plant in summer's full swing. I'll have to see what real cold brings, as there's older patterns that I've laid down earlier in my life that have been around longer and will probably kick in then.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
in the meantime...
Monday went rather well. I woke up relatively early (given my recently weird sleeping schedule), called in about a potential job and sent in my references, figured that I might as well do my full moon Esbat for this month early given my schedule.
I like how the ritual went. This time, I had a small hand-made broom to use (made of sticks and string found at my parent's house) as well as my yet unfinished wand.
I also made some tea and had a banana to use for the wine and cakes bit.
It is interesting to have some banana after having called on Frey, though... given that both He and His sister govern fertility. I giggled. ^^
Dressing up for ritual really does add a certain flair to it. Nothing fancy, but it helps to put on my "priestess" hat in a way. Using my own hand-made wand helped reinforce that too. Although it is unfinished in my view, it's still a perfectly serviceable tool. It really does help me channel the energy I visualize to make and undo the circle (and that right there shows how much of an armchair Pagan I've been lately. cough cough).
Looking back though, I'm hard-pressed to find anything that really make this ritual specifically a Full Moon one. From what I can see, it's fairly generic. It's a template, although a nicely written one, and I've already been adapting it to my needs. Evolution in action!
To balance out everything, my cat Genki then proceeded to knock my betta fish Richard to the floor. (I had put him in a little container with medicated water to help with a bit of fin rot.) Cat was tossed in the closet for a time-out, Richard carefully scooped up by hand and returned home, towel turned somewhat blue from the fish meds in the spilled water.
oh well. at least Richard seemed to get over the shock pretty quickly. Genki is *not* getting treated to a can of wet food this week! (I'm told that the occasional meal of wet food helps with a guy kitty's urinary tract, but really he really enjoys it so much I don't feel bad about giving him a can every other week or so.)
* * *
Tonight is Full Moon night, and what began as a fine fall morning turned gray and wet, in a lonesome, longing for soup kind of way.
I met my mom and grandma at the airport this afternoon, before the rain came. They had just returned from a trip to Germany, and other than a couple unfound bags, made it in time to the shuttle home. What really made it meaningful to me is that my family is very heavily German on both sides, so having female relatives on my mother's side going back there seemed like a return home of sorts. I did ask that the Disir already gone look after them, and they did make it back safe and sound. (Suppose I ought to have asked about looking after their belongings too! Ah well, the family luck can only run so far.)
And it wasn't just that they had gone to Germany, though. This really was a kind of family visit: the whole thing was organized by a relative, and Mom and Grandma met cousins! Well, two or three times removed, but still family--Grandma has a chart to show it. I can't wait to get a copy. It's amazing to think that there are people across the vastness of an ocean that I can call family.
Lately I've been thinking about what to do after graduating, and it seems a matter of course that I take the GRE and apply for grad schools. Part of me wants to go somewhere else, get away from what's familiar in another attempt to start fresh. Why is another story for another time; but I do love the family vacations to go down South and see my dad's side of the family. Daydreams recently center on heading to a warmer clime for school, and it's okay to go so far away cuz I have relatives there. If anything goes wrong, there's family I can rely on, and I'll be okay.
Granted, I have no idea how far something like that would extend to cousins a few times removed, but the thought is still intriguing. The world seems smaller, and there's a safety net for you if you look for it. Likewise, you can be someone else's help if they come to where you are. Sometimes things work out that way.
I like how the ritual went. This time, I had a small hand-made broom to use (made of sticks and string found at my parent's house) as well as my yet unfinished wand.
I also made some tea and had a banana to use for the wine and cakes bit.
It is interesting to have some banana after having called on Frey, though... given that both He and His sister govern fertility. I giggled. ^^
Dressing up for ritual really does add a certain flair to it. Nothing fancy, but it helps to put on my "priestess" hat in a way. Using my own hand-made wand helped reinforce that too. Although it is unfinished in my view, it's still a perfectly serviceable tool. It really does help me channel the energy I visualize to make and undo the circle (and that right there shows how much of an armchair Pagan I've been lately. cough cough).
Looking back though, I'm hard-pressed to find anything that really make this ritual specifically a Full Moon one. From what I can see, it's fairly generic. It's a template, although a nicely written one, and I've already been adapting it to my needs. Evolution in action!
To balance out everything, my cat Genki then proceeded to knock my betta fish Richard to the floor. (I had put him in a little container with medicated water to help with a bit of fin rot.) Cat was tossed in the closet for a time-out, Richard carefully scooped up by hand and returned home, towel turned somewhat blue from the fish meds in the spilled water.
oh well. at least Richard seemed to get over the shock pretty quickly. Genki is *not* getting treated to a can of wet food this week! (I'm told that the occasional meal of wet food helps with a guy kitty's urinary tract, but really he really enjoys it so much I don't feel bad about giving him a can every other week or so.)
* * *
Tonight is Full Moon night, and what began as a fine fall morning turned gray and wet, in a lonesome, longing for soup kind of way.
I met my mom and grandma at the airport this afternoon, before the rain came. They had just returned from a trip to Germany, and other than a couple unfound bags, made it in time to the shuttle home. What really made it meaningful to me is that my family is very heavily German on both sides, so having female relatives on my mother's side going back there seemed like a return home of sorts. I did ask that the Disir already gone look after them, and they did make it back safe and sound. (Suppose I ought to have asked about looking after their belongings too! Ah well, the family luck can only run so far.)
And it wasn't just that they had gone to Germany, though. This really was a kind of family visit: the whole thing was organized by a relative, and Mom and Grandma met cousins! Well, two or three times removed, but still family--Grandma has a chart to show it. I can't wait to get a copy. It's amazing to think that there are people across the vastness of an ocean that I can call family.
Lately I've been thinking about what to do after graduating, and it seems a matter of course that I take the GRE and apply for grad schools. Part of me wants to go somewhere else, get away from what's familiar in another attempt to start fresh. Why is another story for another time; but I do love the family vacations to go down South and see my dad's side of the family. Daydreams recently center on heading to a warmer clime for school, and it's okay to go so far away cuz I have relatives there. If anything goes wrong, there's family I can rely on, and I'll be okay.
Granted, I have no idea how far something like that would extend to cousins a few times removed, but the thought is still intriguing. The world seems smaller, and there's a safety net for you if you look for it. Likewise, you can be someone else's help if they come to where you are. Sometimes things work out that way.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Book Review on the way
Well, I picked up a new book the other day at my local Pagan shop. Although I was entranced as I gave it the cursory flip-through at the store, I now have several thoughts to organize into a proper review.
Boy, does it need one!
Boy, does it need one!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
My first Esbat
I remember telling a friend that I was going to start doing rituals with the changing phases of the moon, as lately I've been feeling disconnected with natural cycles of things and felt a need to get back on track.
Well, I did it, which in itself surprises me. I could have done one for the August new moon, but I didn't feel prepared for it and had no idea what kind of ritual I would do anyway. I ended up browsing some websites and found one at http://blessedbe.sugarbane.com/fullmoons.htm which offers some basic information on Wicca along with nice ritual formats.
The ritual itself wasn't anything terribly complex, and another reason I felt compelled to do one is that there would be a purpose for the energy raised. A friend of mine is crafting a leather case for my Tarot deck (it's the Robin Wood version, if you were curious), and so in return I'm making an alter paten/pentacle for her, woodburning the desired design into a pine disc. Since I just got all my materials together, and it's something for ritual use, I felt it proper to ask for some blessing so that this turns out well.
Thankfully this ritual had a list of materials needed; as I was at my parents' house at the time, I quietly gathered up what I could: a bit of red wine was easily available, and for cakes I used almonds; tied some dried grass seed-stalks together for a broom, found a small "wand" made of a fallen branch from the silver maple out back. Still not sure what I think about the matches not lighting though... three strike-anywhere kitchen matches that didn't light from anything, so I ended up holding the candles and charging them with energy rather than lighting them. I skipped having one candle per quarter because of that as well.
For north and earth, I had a dish of small stones collected from the playground of my elementary school back in the day. For east and air, a crow feather and a small narrow vase that held a stick of incense (not lit, unfortunately), while for south I just had a plate of candles from the Girl Scout camp my sister and I know and love. (Some were tea candles, some were hand-dipped in different colors.) For west and water, I placed a piece of white coral-stone I had brought back from Hawaii to remind me of the ocean.
Well, I did it, which in itself surprises me. I could have done one for the August new moon, but I didn't feel prepared for it and had no idea what kind of ritual I would do anyway. I ended up browsing some websites and found one at http://blessedbe.sugarbane.com/fullmoons.htm which offers some basic information on Wicca along with nice ritual formats.
The ritual itself wasn't anything terribly complex, and another reason I felt compelled to do one is that there would be a purpose for the energy raised. A friend of mine is crafting a leather case for my Tarot deck (it's the Robin Wood version, if you were curious), and so in return I'm making an alter paten/pentacle for her, woodburning the desired design into a pine disc. Since I just got all my materials together, and it's something for ritual use, I felt it proper to ask for some blessing so that this turns out well.
Thankfully this ritual had a list of materials needed; as I was at my parents' house at the time, I quietly gathered up what I could: a bit of red wine was easily available, and for cakes I used almonds; tied some dried grass seed-stalks together for a broom, found a small "wand" made of a fallen branch from the silver maple out back. Still not sure what I think about the matches not lighting though... three strike-anywhere kitchen matches that didn't light from anything, so I ended up holding the candles and charging them with energy rather than lighting them. I skipped having one candle per quarter because of that as well.
For north and earth, I had a dish of small stones collected from the playground of my elementary school back in the day. For east and air, a crow feather and a small narrow vase that held a stick of incense (not lit, unfortunately), while for south I just had a plate of candles from the Girl Scout camp my sister and I know and love. (Some were tea candles, some were hand-dipped in different colors.) For west and water, I placed a piece of white coral-stone I had brought back from Hawaii to remind me of the ocean.
When it came time to charge each of these quarters' items, the energies did feel different to me. Water was smooth, yielding, and gentle, Earth was very strong and firm, Fire needed coaxing as nothing was actually burning, and Air seemed neither here nor there, which makes sense I suppose.
When calling on the God and Goddess, I did think of them as Freyr and Freyja, and I think They approved.
or at least they didn't mind.
After casting the circle and calling quarters and raising energy, I then asked the Gods to guide my hand and bless the materials I'm using to craft the paten. It seemed fitting, and went along well with how the ritual format suggested thanking the Gods for something good and asking for guidance with a problem before ending the rite.
It was just as well that I held the ritual at midnight, though I would have liked to have done it outdoors: the night was clear and bright, and the moon's light was strong enough to read by. as it was, my parents were sound asleep and my cat only needed one squirt from my buddy the squirbottle in order to settle down halfway through.
All in all, I'm happy with how it went and how easy it was to put together even in a place where I didn't have access to all my various tools and toys. It was also a lovely way to reconnect with the moon's phases since I feel like I've been getting out of touch with moon-rhythms; the Big Eight are no problem since I celebrate those with my proto-grove, but this seems more personal. It feels like I'm supposed to do this myself, and all the success or lack that happens is entirely from my own effort.
It'll be interesting to see how the next ritual goes. I plan on doing one for the new moon, and banishing laziness will definitely be in order as the fall semester begins soon.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Finding a way
I've been reading many of the old posts that the Catskin Sisters have written, and it boggles my mind that what starts as simple meditations can turn into such journeys! I mean, it sounds like a fantasy story that you're living, right now, in your mind and in the Otherlands.
This is really exciting!
For the longest time (like many I'm sure) I have had trouble doing even a weekly meditation. Granted, I did do daily meditation for a while, but then life got in the way and I never established it as a habit. Now, it seems like sitting there for a few minutes thinking of nothing is kind of a waste of time. Yet as I read of the Sisters' journeys, I find I'm jealous. How do they do it? Why can't I go on Journeys too?
Despite my admittedly childish approach to it all, I believe I've found something that will help me to focus.
This website offers free downloadable guided meditations! Be warned: don't go around looking for some sketchy program that offers to convert your .ram files for you--just get RealPlayer if you don't already have it.
I started out with a short one, focusing on relaxation and a safe place. Although the image I chose to focus on was one of waterfalls and lush green growth, I ended up visualizing somewhere with a shallow creek with sand and rocks, and some prairie too. Looks like the safe place I need to be is closer to home than I thought.
I really hope I remember to do one of these meditations every week if not daily. I'm pushing myself to exercise on my own as well too, so maybe doing them together will help me to not forget doing one or the other.
Eventually I hope to find my fylgia, my fetch, a companion to Journey with in strange and wonderful places. Even that, I feel, would be a huge step in the right direction.
This is really exciting!
For the longest time (like many I'm sure) I have had trouble doing even a weekly meditation. Granted, I did do daily meditation for a while, but then life got in the way and I never established it as a habit. Now, it seems like sitting there for a few minutes thinking of nothing is kind of a waste of time. Yet as I read of the Sisters' journeys, I find I'm jealous. How do they do it? Why can't I go on Journeys too?
Despite my admittedly childish approach to it all, I believe I've found something that will help me to focus.
This website offers free downloadable guided meditations! Be warned: don't go around looking for some sketchy program that offers to convert your .ram files for you--just get RealPlayer if you don't already have it.
I started out with a short one, focusing on relaxation and a safe place. Although the image I chose to focus on was one of waterfalls and lush green growth, I ended up visualizing somewhere with a shallow creek with sand and rocks, and some prairie too. Looks like the safe place I need to be is closer to home than I thought.
I really hope I remember to do one of these meditations every week if not daily. I'm pushing myself to exercise on my own as well too, so maybe doing them together will help me to not forget doing one or the other.
Eventually I hope to find my fylgia, my fetch, a companion to Journey with in strange and wonderful places. Even that, I feel, would be a huge step in the right direction.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I've finally starting writing things down for the DP. Starting simple, with the holidays. I suppose I can do the altar planning one too, as I just rearranged it recently. Things around me tend to accumulate junk or random bits of stuff, and the altar is no exception. Bits of wax, pine needles, lots of acorns... now it boasts a pretty pottery candle-holder I found at Savers of all places.
On a more personal note;
it's strange how you can miss someone when two weeks ago you felt like you couldn't take much more of them.
My boyfriend is studying abroad for a month-long language intensive so he can be done with one major's requirements (he has two, which is a story in and of itself) and graduate a little sooner.
What happened now seems fairly obvious--nothing like some distance and time apart to put things in perspective, right?--that we spend the majority of our time with each other, and it was that which was slowly driving us nuts. All those little things that sneak their way under your skin were getting unbearable lately. We just couldn't leave each other alone. I ended up feeling criticized more than I felt was fair, we were both worn out from the long bus rides between our respective residences, and his jokes were just getting so old!
I was happy to see him to the airport, and the first week felt like a real vacation even though I was the one staying home.
Now...
well, his internet is rather limited, and half the time I don't know what to do with all my spare time (I've never been one to schedule my every minute as it is) so we end up thinking "shit. now what?"
or at least I do.
On a more personal note;
it's strange how you can miss someone when two weeks ago you felt like you couldn't take much more of them.
My boyfriend is studying abroad for a month-long language intensive so he can be done with one major's requirements (he has two, which is a story in and of itself) and graduate a little sooner.
What happened now seems fairly obvious--nothing like some distance and time apart to put things in perspective, right?--that we spend the majority of our time with each other, and it was that which was slowly driving us nuts. All those little things that sneak their way under your skin were getting unbearable lately. We just couldn't leave each other alone. I ended up feeling criticized more than I felt was fair, we were both worn out from the long bus rides between our respective residences, and his jokes were just getting so old!
I was happy to see him to the airport, and the first week felt like a real vacation even though I was the one staying home.
Now...
well, his internet is rather limited, and half the time I don't know what to do with all my spare time (I've never been one to schedule my every minute as it is) so we end up thinking "shit. now what?"
or at least I do.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
You look for one thing, and find another
Just read this post on The Ditzy Druid, and finally got around to giving Thor the stout I promised him for helping me out a few weeks ago.
Also having recently discovered this amazing blog written by some seidh-sisters here in the Midwest, I decided to get a little more of my spiritual act together and do some gorram meditating.
Lit candles, new stick of incense, offered the stout, and ended up donning the crow mask I had made a couple years ago for a quick Halloween costume to try my hand at spirit-walking.
I think I'm going about beginning the right way--or at least, a way that kind of works--by perching on the edge of my seat and assuming a bird-like pose while holding the sound of cawing crows in my mind. It was hard to picture things clearly, but I think I was able to hop around the branches of a tree a bit (no idea if it was the tree outside my apartment or some otherworldly Tree).
Suddenly a sound came through the open windows, and something in me knew enough to get alert.
Turns out a couple guys were knocking on the door. As my room is situated right above the front door and I happen to be house manager here, I was able to ask them out my window if they needed anything. Turns out they're college students looking for rooms to rent; I offered a house tour.
* * *
Well, I guess in lieu of spirit-work, it was back to convincing folk that our house is a good place to rent a room. 'Twas nice to meet those guys though. They seemed good folk, and it'll be good to have the house full up at last.
I think this means the Gods are happy enough with me for now. If anything, I'd say that was Thor's way of giving a pat on the back and saying, "well, it's all right. Now go do your stuff!"
Also having recently discovered this amazing blog written by some seidh-sisters here in the Midwest, I decided to get a little more of my spiritual act together and do some gorram meditating.
Lit candles, new stick of incense, offered the stout, and ended up donning the crow mask I had made a couple years ago for a quick Halloween costume to try my hand at spirit-walking.
I think I'm going about beginning the right way--or at least, a way that kind of works--by perching on the edge of my seat and assuming a bird-like pose while holding the sound of cawing crows in my mind. It was hard to picture things clearly, but I think I was able to hop around the branches of a tree a bit (no idea if it was the tree outside my apartment or some otherworldly Tree).
Suddenly a sound came through the open windows, and something in me knew enough to get alert.
Turns out a couple guys were knocking on the door. As my room is situated right above the front door and I happen to be house manager here, I was able to ask them out my window if they needed anything. Turns out they're college students looking for rooms to rent; I offered a house tour.
* * *
Well, I guess in lieu of spirit-work, it was back to convincing folk that our house is a good place to rent a room. 'Twas nice to meet those guys though. They seemed good folk, and it'll be good to have the house full up at last.
I think this means the Gods are happy enough with me for now. If anything, I'd say that was Thor's way of giving a pat on the back and saying, "well, it's all right. Now go do your stuff!"
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